You always hear that pregnancy is the best time of your life. They talk about how your hair and skin are supposed to glow, and how exciting it is to set up the nursery and to have the baby shower. But there is so much no one mentions about being pregnant until you go through it yourself and that can leave you feeling so alone and like you are doing this whole pregnancy thing wrong.
I’m only 24 years old and just starting to begin my career. So for me this obviously wasn’t the ideal time to find out I’m pregnant but once I came to terms with this fact, a wave of excitement came over me. I got excited to find out if it was a boy or a girl, to see what fruit my baby turns into each week, and to start buying the tiniest of clothes. I had such high expectations for the next 9 months of my life especially since I follow a lot of influencers and women on instagram who rave about their pregnancy journey. Little did I know how hard my pregnancy would actually be on me, mentally.
Right now I am currently 5 months pregnant and granted, I had a lot of personal issues going on in the beginning of my pregnancy, and still do, which probably makes this all a bit harder. When I first found out I was pregnant I was working midnights at my job so my sleep schedule was completely off which in turn caused me to eat maybe one meal a day (and it was definitely not nutritious). I was also practically couch surfing because my house was not stable to continue staying there. These past 5 months have probably been some of the hardest I’ve had to face. I have never felt so alone, so desperate, so worried about everything.
I became depressed and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Every day I would wake up, go to work, come home and just cry and sleep. I didn’t want to do any of the things I used to enjoy, like going to the gym or even seeing my friends. I isolated myself in turn making me think I really was alone. I thought I was doing something wrong, I thought something was wrong with me. Everyone made it look like pregnancy was supposed to be great and wonderful and easy. I forgot that instagram is just one big highlight reel. I forgot that I may be seeing women and mothers enjoying their pregnancy but I don’t know what goes on behind the scenes when the camera isn’t on them. I had to realize that every woman is different and everyone handles their pregnancies differently.
If it weren’t for my fiancé and my best friend I don’t know what I would’ve done. I am also so eternally grateful that my job offers free mental health services for us. I started talking with a psychiatrist every two weeks and don’t get me wrong there are still times that I feel like I’m going to be a bad mom or that I feel like I am completely alone but I just have to hope that the good will outweigh the bad. I also found that talking to my baby girl every night really helps me. I lay in bed and tell her how much I love her and that I cannot wait to meet her. I try to do that every night to remind me how lucky and blessed I am to be creating such a miracle. I know I have another 4 months to get through of this pregnancy and things will most likely get harder before they get easier but I am grateful to have the support that I do and this new platform to express how I am truly feeling and not feel like I have to live up to this perfect stereotype of what pregnancy looks like or feels like.
Now of course there are going to be people who read this and may think I am a bad mom for thinking so negative about my pregnancy and will critique the things I say or do. But I know if there were more posts like this (honest, raw, and truthful) I wouldn’t have thought I was so alone. I sincerely hope that this blog helps at least one person realize they are not alone in what they are feeling.
Til next time,